freedom.

I had a brief brief brief epiphany this morning, but I feel like it’s a long time coming. I’m happy that it happened though, and that I can really start to wrap my head around — I don’t know — life.

I have fleeting states of freedom, but on a whole, my day-to-day actions are maybe more governed by others — more so than I’d like to admit, anyway. I’m aware I’ve always been a people pleaser unfortunately, and for a long time, being liked was important to me. While I’m slowly drifting away from this mentality, I didn’t realize how close to the beginning I was. I am still very much in the middle of other people’s ideas.

I think this will make more sense with an example, but I don’t want to give one lol.

Let’s just say this: I think my decisiveness is one of my better traits. It’s true, I’m not decisive all the time. I like to take people’s ideas into account, but if no one has a decision or preference, then I will make one. It’s my way of being efficient. I’ve noticed, though, that sometimes when I do make a decision — oftentimes for myself — some people will question it or give their opinion or whatever else. And I usually don’t take it because I don’t need to/want to. I am aware no one knows me as well as I do, and knowing that, if someone gives an opinion that is compleeeetely off from mine, I pretty much ignore it.

But recently, the act of someone I know asserting their decision over mine on something that had nothing to do with them (!!) kinda bothered me. I don’t usually let these sorts of things bother me anymore, but I sat with this for awhile because I wanted to understand why it bothered me so much. This particular person has an issue with, uh, shutting up in general lol. Like they don’t know how to not give their opinion, so I realize this has little to do with me and more so to do with their insecurities and perhaps need to control things.

It got me thinking, though, about myself and the times I’ve taken someone’s opinion to heart. And then it got me thinking about London, and freedom. True freedom. When I was there, I answered to nobody and I never felt the need to. I also wasn’t surrounded by people who clung to me, and so I was able to do whatever I wanted and really have my own, unfiltered experiences. I really appreciate the time I spent there.

I don’t think I’m free here. I don’t think I can be until I adapt that mindset where I have no one to answer to; until I can completely let someone’s words roll off my back without feeling any type of way. It’s hard because I like being around people and for the most part, I have no problem including people in my decision making process when it pertains to them. But sometimes I just want to be by myself, come back and share experiences with people, rather than it being a “how come you didn’t invite so-and-so?” or a competition to see who has the better experience. What’s so wrong with being alone? Most people I know are afraid of it, but that’s them and that has nothing to do with me.

So yes. That’s that.

And I am working on my solar plexus chakra energy, before anyone suggests it lol >__________> I’m aware I still need to do some work. I hope in a month’s time this won’t be an issue anymore.

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