I found a bunch of journalling questions, so I’m going to answer them one at a time, sporadically. This is the first.
What is the single most difficult lesson you’ve ever had to learn?
I think, very simply, that life isn’t always fair. This is something my mom used to say — and still says — all the time. “Life’s not fair”, “life’s not fair”. I’ve come to realize that honestly my mom is just a bit cynical and bitter, and has a lot of traits that I don’t actually want to adopt, so I understand why this is her go-to phrase about literally everything.
“Can I have a cookie?”
“Omg that’s not even fair.”
“Life isn’t fair, O.”
Literally about everything, about the smallest things! It frustrated me so much, until I learned that vaguely she was right. Life isn’t fair, life isn’t always fair, but that’s not a bad thing. Imagine we got everything we’ve ever wanted as soon as we wanted it. What would be the lesson? How would we change? I think if I got everything I’ve ever wanted the second I wanted it, I would’ve become very spoiled. I would’ve been a horrible friend (worse than I am now hahahaaa) and grown into someone who doesn’t think highly of anyone but herself. I dislike people like that.
In every instance where I’ve cried to God, asking why I couldn’t have something when other, less deserving people seemed to get whatever they wanted, all I could hear were my mom’s words: life isn’t fair.
I remember the first time I remember ever actively having a crush on a boy. I haven’t had a lot of crushes in my life because self-esteem etc etc blah blah, but there was one boy I really liked when I was in second year university. Damn, I can’t even remember his name. He very obviously didn’t like me, but I wanted him to like me so much that I asked my professor to always pair me up with him in class for every project — and she did, shamelessly. I’m sure he thought it was intentional, but he never complained. He was polite to me, but it wasn’t that serious. I used to come home from school in tears or super emotional that the first time I ever outwardly liked a boy, he dared to not like me back. Like, what was the actual point then of liking anyone if there was even a minute chance that they wouldn’t return my feelings? This is all really dramatic lmao but it’s almost word-for-word, thought-for-thought what I said to myself (also, for what it’s worth, I tend to be very dramatic about a lot of things and don’t realize it until someone tells me to calm the fuck down).
Yeah, I cried a lot about him. It’s embarrassing to say now because I deadass can. not. remember his name at all.
And when I was sort of dating this guy in my final year, and he turned out to just be actual, literal trash, I remember being bitter like, why would this happen to me the very second I meet a guy who actually likes me back? Granted, I did only start liking this guy after he said he liked me, if that shows you how low my self-esteem was around that time.
Life isn’t fair, and that’s okay. I learned a lot from both of those experiences. Hindsight is 20/20, even though I no longer believe that you need to live in the future for good things to happen. I can say now that both of those experiences taught me a) crying over men is a fucking waste of time, b) you can’t make anyone like you, and c) the most important relationship you can have is with your soul, your true self. After that, you begin to make better choices, attract better people, live a fuller more compassionate existence. So I’m happy — now. At the time, I did want to die, so there’s that.