‘even though i know, i pretend i don’t.’

I always joke and say I’m emotionally unstable, but the older I get, the more I feel it isn’t a joke at all. I am always ten seconds away from tears, from thinking about something that makes me too happy to function, from exploding with gratitude and crumbling into the deepest sob you’ve ever heard. I am a tornado of good emotions all the time.

I cry a lot.

I like to say I am always crying. It’s pretty much true. In this past week, I have cried maybe every other day. I cried while watching a movie, I cried while watching another movie, I cried seeing a 10 second glimpse of a remake of an anime show I enjoyed in my childhood, and I cried listening to one of my favourite songs lol. Don’t judge but I also cried at the idea of getting proposed to. I realize this is a lot. It’s gotten to the point where if I say ‘this is a good movie, I loved it so much I cried’, people are like, ‘that isn’t reliable criteria because you’re always crying‘. Fair lol.

I wanted to think about why I’m like this, what is it in my DNA that makes me so damn overemotional. I think about all the times I start crying and when someone is unfortunate enough to be around during those times, I think about the questions they ask me: ‘Why are you crying?’

Ummmmmm. It’s hard to put into words what you feel so deep in your soul, and I really do believe this is where those emotions come from. I rarely cry if I’m sad. If I’m anxious or mad, this energy builds up and I have to cry or I will feel horrible. But those times are very few and far between. I tend to cry happy tears.

Could it just be that everything makes me happy lol? I don’t know. I’ll attempt to explain where these feelings come from.

I will talk about the anime show because I think that, and the song, play into a larger feeling and that feeling is nostalgia. Nostalgia is one of my least favourite feelings because it sweeps you up in this cocoon of love and then it twists you, pokes at you, reminds you that things will never be this way again. Some people can’t deal with that. I think my way of dealing with it tends to be sighing loudly and crying at the thought of the first time I ever experienced whatever it is.

Like this anime show. Cardcaptor Sakura. 🙂 Apparently they’re doing a remake and the new animation looks a bit cheap — but! When the opening sequence started up, I was suddenly transported to the first time I saw the US version on TV, and then the first time I searched up the Japanese opening. I was a very nerdy kid, so I had started learning Japanese when I was young — about the time this show started airing, I guess — and the opening songs for Cardcaptor Sakura were among the first Japanese songs I heard and began to learn from. So, of course, when the song started up, I leaned into my screen and rested my chin on my hand, and sighed my way through a wider and wider smile, remembering what it was like to be younger and enthusiastic about everything and so in love with language and differences and this show that was cute and inspiring. Naturally, I started to get teary-eyed. When you put it that way, it makes sense, right? Right??? I will always have a soft spot in my heart for things from my childhood because they allowed me to shape my values and become the person I am.

The same goes for the song. The Fourth Avenue Cafe. It’s sung by my favourite band of all time, this Japanese rock group called L’Arc~en~Ciel. I started listening to them when I started high school and different albums and songs of theirs have helped me so so much. They taught me how to sing, how to write, how to use my voice, how to be as loud and as open as I want to be. They are the ones who taught me confidence and helped me see my self-worth. Usually, if I listen to them long enough these days, I start crying. But that’s to be expected, right? I have such a deep bond with their music, and especially this particular song. I’m not sure why this song, though. They have better ones, but I’ve always felt drawn to this one. I can listen to it and feel my mood shift. It is the only song that can make me feel better when I’m feeling bad. Instead of my usual nighttime meditation music, I decided I would listen to their 1997 album, True, before bed. That’s the album with this song on it. I didn’t sleep — just lay there smiling and feeling at peace listening to every song — and then at the end, I started to cry. I cried myself to sleep, feeling like wow I can’t believe I’m lucky enough to have heard this song when I did, to have grown up listening to them. And then I woke up, remembered how good life has been to me, and started crying again lol. It’s just this immense feeling of gratitude. I don’t know why I link it so heavily to this song, but I’m okay with that. It’s a good song to have that connection with.

Whenever I see people do well, it makes me cry.

Whenever I’m reminded of simple joys, it makes me cry.

Whenever I accomplish something I’ve always wanted to, it makes me cry.

Whenever whenever whenever, crying crying crying.

I don’t think it’s a bad thing to be this emotional. I don’t think it’s a bad thing to feel. I could have worse qualities. I could be emotionless. But, like I said, I am made of processed sugars and water. I am soft, not rigid.

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