the benefit

I’ve always been told to give people the benefit of the doubt. I think we, as women, are taught this from a very young age. Give someone the benefit of the doubt, give someone a chance, etc. I think it’s why so many of us grow up to be indecisive, to second-guess ourselves.

I will be honest: I haven’t dated a lot because I tend to be very picky when choosing a potential boyfriend. I say picky, but to be honest, it isn’t like I have a long, ridiculous list. He just has to be tall (relatively, as I am 5’7″ so, really, taller than me is the criteria), be a good person (aims to better himself in life, is passionate about something, cares about others), is attractive (to me), and has to be compatible with me. I’m not saying we have to be the same of have the exact same interests. We can be opposites as long as we fit together.

That’s literally it. But I also recognize that much more goes into finding your person, so I don’t mean to trivialize it. I just mean, for those people I know who think I’m being too picky or should lower my standards, like, how much lower can they get????? lol. I believe I am being very reasonable.

With that said, I wouldn’t say I’m a difficult person. I get along fairly well with everyone. I am very good at light, superficial conversation. I can easily tell when someone is trying too hard and that puts me off immediately because, like I mentioned in previous blogs, I can’t stand inauthenticity. So this is an immediate no for me. It’s getting harder and harder for me to form relationships with people like this.

But I am stuck, it seems. Every time I mention speaking to a guy and saying something like, “I don’t know about him”, without fail, there is one friend who will say something useless like, “give him a chance” or “you need to talk for longer to know if there’s a connection”. While I do think it’s important to spend an adequate amount of time talking to a person to gauge if you like him or her yet, I think an adequate amount of time can be measured by whatever you want it to be. If, for you, you feel comfortable saying, yes, I like this person, or no, I dislike this person after one day, then that’s fine. If you need a month, that’s cool. I have a friend who thought a year was an adequate amount of time. I don’t think there’s a precursor because everyone is different.

I hope I never will say someone’s amount of time is inadequate, or groan with a “this is why you’re single” sort of eye-roll. I have had it said to me and it makes me feel worthless, like my decisions or feelings mean nothing, and maybe trying a bit harder to like said person or “giving them another chance” will uncover something I didn’t see before. I’ve read a quote, though I can’t remember where it’s from anymore, but it was: “If you keep people around long enough, they will surprise you.” To that I say: who has that time???? I believe it was Maya Angelou who said: “When people show you who they are, believe them.” Giving someone “a chance” or sticking it out somehow is egotistical and completely self-serving; it’s only done to make you feel any sort of way. The person you’re waiting on has already shown you who he/she is and it was your decision not to believe him/her. So, in essence, you’re playing yourself, no matter what.

I am okay being single and I’m not afraid of being alone. I don’t want to be alone forever and I don’t believe I will be. I know I’ll meet someone who crosses off my basic ass criteria and who is also able to be a really good companion. I don’t doubt this person exists for me and I’m excited to meet him. In the mean time, I want to trust my judgment without second-guessing. I don’t want to give anyone the benefit of the doubt because I don’t believe I need to — just like I wouldn’t expect someone to give me the benefit of the doubt. If you meet me and decide you dislike me for whatever reason, that is your reason and it’s none of my business. You don’t have to spend time with me so you can see how effortlessly cool I am 😉 or anything like that lol. It’s not necessary. The most important thing is making a decision, anyway.

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