ok, but why?

I really gotta stop doing things I hate.

I don’t know what it is about my personal brand of suffering, but I can’t seem to shake it. I do things because I feel like I need to, and then I end up regretting it. What even makes me feel like I need to do these things? Because of money?

Long story short: I kind of accepted a bunch of freelance job offers (when all I really want is one full-time job!) and somehow convinced myself I could do them all. But I don’t really want to. Like, at all. But I’m stuck with them. I actively pursued these positions and convinced myself that I needed them. But, really, I don’t. I don’t need a full-time job and a part-time job and a freelance job. I’m not really in that bad of a financial situation that I need all this employment. And! I don’t even want to do all this work. I’m only working to save up for grad school (and a few other nameless things) so it’s not like I really need to work more than one job.

I’m a bit stuck. I’m stuck because the full-time positions I interviewed for haven’t gotten back to me yet (the most recent, the one I really want, says they’ll get back to me by the end of next week so grrrr the waiting game continues) and in the mean time, I’m stuck with all these freelance things that I want to quit asap — but I can’t, until I hear back from this job. I’m a wreck.

I’m avoiding my email until mid-next week because I don’t know what to say to anyone.

In the mean time, let this be a reminder to me forever: stop saying yes when you really want to say no, for fuck’s sake.

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