phases.

I mentioned in an earlier post that I have an obsessive personality. I can feel myself at the tail end of an obsession, so I wanted to write this quickly while I still understood what the feeling was like.

I try very hard to have healthy relationships with things, but it can be hard for me. If I like something, I always really really like it. I have no chill. I don’t know how to be a 56% support. I am 99% at all times. In fact, when I think about it, I believe my life can be categorized in major obsessions. I always have other obsessions, sure, but there’s always one main obsession that takes precedence. It defines what I do online, where I make friends, what I listen to, where I go, etc.

These obsessive phases can last anywhere from one to three years. I can’t recall having an obsession longer than that. Usually, the obsession will get replaced by another obsession, and then the new obsession becomes the main one. It has gone on like this for as long as I can remember. Because of this, I can’t fathom casually liking something (or someone, for that matter). No, if I like something, then I really like it. I’m happy to say I know myself that well.

I’m ecstatic because I think one of my obsessions is coming to a close. It’s kpop on a whole. I’ve been through the kpop obsession thing before (namely in university) and it can be super time-consuming and costly. While I still love and support the Korean pop artists I like, I can’t say I care much for the industry or the need to find out who’s new, who’s debuting, who’s going to the army, etc. All of that can be very draining — but the fact that I can even acknowledge it’s draining means it’s close to being over for me. So, once again, I’m ecstatic.

I’m happy for another reason: the last time I fell off the kpop wagon, I completely cut myself off from it. I stopped listening to the music, I stopped watching the dramas, I stopped learning the language. It was a complete 180. But now, I feel myself easing out of it out of simple disinterest, and it’s that disinterest that’s making me very optimistic. I have the opportunity to finally have a healthy relationship with something I like. I can still listen to the groups I like without devoting paycheques and brainspace to concerts, tours, and fanwars. I can just enjoy my favourite artists and listen to music and chill. It’s liberating.

I so far have no current obsession that is replacing this one. I am, for the first time in maybe ever, going to enjoy life obsession-less. I can comfortably say that I already feel a little bit lost and on unstable ground. I tinker around on my computer, unsure of what I’m going to do. I don’t know what blogs to read or who to talk to. I’m not sure what to engage in or with. But maybe this is a blessing of some sort. Maybe I can just enjoy being at peace for a bit without having to exert so much energy into any one thing or community.

I’d say the closest thing that might mirror an obsession currently is my career and pursuing writing. I wouldn’t call it an obsession, though, because it does not consume me the way my obsessions have in the past. Writing is what I do and who I am, so it feels more like a second skin rather than the labels and obsessions I’ve been plastering onto myself.

Anyway. I’m excited to see what becomes of this downtime. 🙂 My brain automatically wants to find something else to do, someone or something else to obsess over, but I’m going to force myself to take it easy.

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