indecisiveness is — uh, I don’t know.

I am very confusing. I wanted to start off by saying “Sometimes, it’s hard for me to understand what it is that I like”, but that wouldn’t be 100% true. Then I wanted to say “I know what I want most of the time”, but I’m not sure how true that is, either.

The truth — the real truth — is that I am sometimes aware that I want things, short-term things, and other times I am aware I want things, long-term things. I can tell you what my goals for the future are very succinctly: publish books, have a solid family foundation, be healthy, be happy. But in terms of what I want right now? I’m not too sure. I can’t choose. I can’t decide.

This came about because I was thinking about the type of man I like. What he looks like, what his personality is like. And I think it’s changed so much. In fact, it’s changed so often that the only thing I can be sure of is that he is male and he is tall(er than I am). Everything else, every other requirement or preference, has come and gone over the years. This is one reason why I always tend to say “I’ll know when I see it” or “I’ll know when I see him”. It might be a cop out, yes; but the truth of the matter is that I can’t be trusted to really decide on a one-size-fits-all, yes-this-is-what-I-want solution. Plus, feelings are much more complicated than that.

Still, this bothers me sometimes because it’s very indecisive. And that bothers me because indecisiveness is something I inherently dislike, both in myself and in others. Mainly in others, though, since I’m not really indecisive about many things. If I have no emotional attachment to something, I can make a decision very quickly. If I’m genuinely unsure which option is better, I make really good use of pros-and-cons charts. Honestly, there’s something to be said for hashing things out. I make snap judgments in the moment because sometimes dwelling on an answer can dilute your resolve, and when it’s something that doesn’t really matter as much, it’s easy for me to just be like, “okay, I’m choosing this” without a second’s thought. I really like that about myself.

My pros-and-cons lists can get pretty intensive, but they’re always very useful. We all know people who can’t make a decision to save their life, and I always recommend a good pros-and-cons list for those types of people especially. Of course, they’re only as good as your willingness to be honest.

Recently, I made a snap judgment about going back to school. I made it quickly because the idea came to me quickly and fit in so well, so I had no reason to turn it down. Going back to school is a huge decision, sure, but when I tell you that it felt very much like putting a puzzle piece into its proper place, I’m sure you can understand why I didn’t need to dwell on the idea. The program is two years? Don’t care, that’s fine. I’ll be XX years old when I get out? I’ll live, it’s fine. This throws off me wanting to be married and maybe have kids in a decent time frame? Life rewards the faithful, it’ll be fine. See? When a decision fits, it just fits.

I’m striving to be more certain in my choices. I want to at least say with certainty the things that I like and the things that I don’t (more on this in the future, because I really, really struggle with it sometimes). I want to be certain of the trajectory of my life, at least as much as possible. I know you can’t say for sure what will happen in the future, but that’s no reason to just ignore important choices, I think.

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