a writer’s block.

I made the decision to go back to school and apply for my Masters in the past few months, and I’ve told maybe a handful of people. I can’t say why I’m not so keen on telling anyone. My cultural upbringing tells me that evil eye is a real thing and witches are everywhere waiting to curse you (grrr). I’m a bit superstitious, but only when it suits me. I’m 50% “don’t jinx it!” and 50% “if I don’t get in, I don’t want you asking me about it for months”. So, as a result, I’m keeping relatively quiet.

I want to be bolder, though. This is such an exciting time in my life, if I’m being honest. I haven’t felt this excited about a life decision since I packed my bags and jumped ship/moved continents for a year in 2013. I’d been missing what it was like to feel worthy of my life, to feel excited about the prospect of new adventures.

For the first time in a long time, I feel like I’m going somewhere.

I’m very confident I’ll get into this program. Honestly speaking, my portfolio is A+, my references are on point, and my letter of intent is shaping up to be the best thing ever written (let’s not talk about my grades aaahh). I got this. I 100% got this. Long story short, but I know this is where I’m meant to be. I have full confidence and full faith that this is where I’m meant to be going. I’m finally on the right track.

To think that I was ready to just accept a mediocre life and lie down for it. Literally a year ago, I was still convinced that if I landed a certain type of job that I would be set. The only problem was that I didn’t actually want to do the kind of job that I was looking for. I went to school for it, so I figured the next logical step would be to find employment.

Do you believe in vibes? I do. I believe in vibes and energy directing the course of our lives. I believe in God. With that said, you need to understand what I mean when I say that my previous career path, the one I was just blindly accepting, began to reject me in so many ways. I didn’t realize it, oddly enough until this very minute, but every time I was faced with a rejection or a lost job offer, it was just the universe’s way of telling me this isn’t where I’m supposed to be. If I had gotten that job — that job that I was more than qualified for, to be honest, it’s still ridiculous they didn’t take me! — then I would’ve stayed overseas in a place I really didn’t belong. I would’ve stayed in a career that was taking me away from the only thing I’ve ever actually been passionate about: writing. And what kind of a life would that be?

I’m getting a Masters in writing. I want to teach. I want to write and teach people how to write. I want to have conversations about passive voice and tone and characterization and story arcs. These are the things that ignite my soul, and to think I was going to throw it all away for a cushy job, a white boyfriend, and the prospect of developing a nice London accent…! It’s almost laughable now. Things change. People change so much. I no longer really want any of those things.

What I do want is this feeling, this happiness when I think of waking up early to make my 9am class, to talk to students about their upcoming projects and to encourage them, let them know the world needs their voices. I want this feeling to last forever. I never want to sacrifice this kind of happiness for anything. I feel it so deeply in my soul that it’s a bit hard to put into words, but know that I am grinning and tearing up and sighing like I’m running out of air. It’s fire! Why would anyone ever settle? Why should anyone ever settle? I get that life doesn’t always pan out the way you want it to and not everything can be by the book — I understand. But I’d be stupid to literally ignore this sort of excitement. The alternative isn’t even worth exploring. I hate marketing. I’ve always hated it. I thought it was safe, but safe is a code word for boring. Everyone knows that, right?

I will be crossing my toes and fingers until November. I will be praying my absolute hardest. I will be crying all the tears when I receive my acceptance letter in 2018. It feels so good to have a direction; it feels so good to have a path.

I’m in love.

 

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